How to Give a Cat a Pill

Disclaimer: This is a joke. No cats were hurt in the making of this blog.

When my sister sent me this email, it reminded me of all the times I doctored my cats. As I raised short-legged Munchkins and curly-haired LaPerms, I became an expert at administering meds. If you decide to try medicating your own kitty, you could find yourself in a situation similar to this joke. And I guarantee, the cats always win. The Munchkins (see bottom picture) were very calm and took most things in stride. The LaPerms, however, had a mind of their own. The picture below is Big Bad Ricky and Sweet Lucy. Ricky was actually a total cuddle bug. He liked to pretend to be tough from time to time to keep the dog in its place.

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1.     Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.

Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom .

12. Call fire department to retrieve the #$%^&* cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down

throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

 15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

And for you dog owners, I included this.

 How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

3. All done!

Finding My Characters in the Strangest Places

In searching for ways to breathe life into my heros and heroines, as well others who populate my books, I shuffle through people I've met or who had caught my attention. Combining parts of several personalities, transforms my characters into fully rounded people. 

As I was sitting on my deck during some unusually warm winter weather watching my dog and cats, a novel idea hit me. Watching the animals interact, I realized they each had a unique personality and reacted to  their environment with the variety of a group of friends As I watched, here's who I saw:

Mag—She's shy but loves her friends. She isn’t comfortable with strangers. She’s a ferocious mother willing to take on anything to protect her children.

Darwin-Outgoing, friendly and slightly overweight . Always says please and thank you and likes people from two to eighty-two.

Martin-Ruler of his realm, the king-honest, fair but rules with an iron glove. Willing to get his hands dirty for a good cause.

Bosco-An independent young woman, beautiful and sure of herself. Loves to try new things.

Dottie- An athlete who loves to meet new people, feels the joy of life, an adventurer.

Fargo-Bitchy and always wants her way. She is willing to do anything to get it. Not afraid to use force to make her point.

Boon-A big clown, loves to joke but a little unsure of himself in new areas.

Cindy-Aggressive when she needs to be, quiet and able to assess the situation with a glance. She's very confident in her abilities.

Suzie-Able to take care of anything that comes at her. Perfectionist. Kind and Capable.

Mag is actually Mixed Magic, a registered Munchkin female cat. She was one of my favorites when I was breeding kittens, and although I re-homed most of my breeders, I had her spayed and kept her. Now she rules the roost among the cats.

Darwin is a black cat given to us when we were building our home. He’s loves to cuddle and eat. He weighs in at fifteen pounds. He’s bigger than the rest of the cats, but he’s happy letting them set the rules.

Martin is my male registered Munchkin. He’s chocolate and fathered many chocolate and pointed kittens. He’s so sweet that I had to keep him, too. He always goes for walks with me and helps round up the calves. I think he thinks he’s a border collie.

Bosco is a chocolate long legged kitten from Magic and Martin’s last litter. Her best friend is our dog, Dottie. She is the best hunter we have and a real beauty.
Dottie is our Border Collie. She loves Bosco, playing and herding cattle. She’s not much of a guard dog because she loves everyone she meets.

Fargo is my barrel racing horse. As a mare, she has earned the right to be a little cranky. She takes it to the extreme. If she hadn’t transitioned to such a good heel horse for my son to team rope on, she might be gone by now.

Boon is my husband’s head horse for team roping. His childhood was marred by being attacked by a cougar when he was a colt, but he recovered and it hasn’t affected his attitude. He’s a happy animal (maybe he’s just glad to be alive) and he loves to be around his friends, that translates to any other horse.

Cindy was a red Australian Shepherd we owned for years. She would be the heroine in anyone’s story. I can say she was the best dog we ever had the pleasure of having in our lives. She could anticipate what a cow would do and head it off without a word from us. RIP Cindy.

Suzie’s Last Flight was the best barrel horse I ever had the pleasure of riding. She was a joy to be around and was as talented as any horse being hauled down the road. She was sweet and loved her treats.

Whether I'm watching people or animals, they all have their own personality traits and make a wonderful treasure trove for my make believe characters.

What animals have graced your lives?